Sad! Trump Fights the Tyranny of Reality, Loses Again

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.

In a surprising development, Donald Trump is being super not-chill about losing the election to Joe Biden, losing the popular vote as well, watching every major news channel call the election for Joe Biden including Fox News, and witnessing hundreds of thousands take to the streets around the world to celebrate his eventual exit from the White House. Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

Trump and the craven Republican establishment that props him up spent the weekend trying to convince diehard Trump supporters that the election was somehow rigged but only in swing states that didn't go to Trump (but not in the Republican-swinging Senate or House races, funnily enough). They really pulled out all the stops, and by that I mean they held an under-attended press conference at a landscaping company that is located beyond all of the farthest stops on the Market-Frankford El line. (This is a very Philadelphia-centric reference but all Philly news is national news now. That's the law.) Trump has largely stayed out of public view, letting people who somehow have even worse reputations than him carry the flickering torch of evidence-less election fraud while he golfed on Saturday and Sunday.

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Me time!

Now that President-elect Joe Biden has begun his transition, announcing a COVID-19 task force and unveiling a transition website, among other initiatives, many are asking what will happen if Trump continues to refuse to concede. Still others are asking what is perhaps a more important question: Whoooooo cares?

Now, I know there are a lot of ways Trump can and probably will make it more difficult for the Biden administration to transition and successfully govern because nothing says "true patriot" like hobbling a nation's leadership out of spite. But what I'm absolutely not going to do is spend one minute thinking about how Donald Trump feels about all of this. I speak from the experience of someone who has been let go of a job I was not good at in the past: You can sign the separation agreement or you can refuse and leave it on the table, but come January 21, the key card is not going to work anymore, babe. So, go ahead and feel however you want. As a private citizen.

Look, I sympathize with Trump being in a sort-of-glum place. I'm the events manager at Three Seasons Partial Landscaping and got a real earful from my boss this morning about why we didn't get the big gig. So, we're all having a rough week. But Trump has got to learn to accept the things he cannot change, like "the will of the people" and "math." There will be a lot of articles and tweets coming out about how Trump is coping and which members of the administration are trying to reboot their brands by leaking stories about trying to coax him into concession. Fortunately, you can skip all of those because I have gotten the scoop on all the ways Donald Trump is coping with "feeling weirdsies" about losing the election to President-elect Joe Biden:

• Donald Trump has called for a team of Las Vegas magicians to help him disappear Biden's votes. He is specifically asking for "the guy who disappeared the Statue of Liberty," unaware of how on the nose that is.

• Donald Trump is in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping trying to host another press conference but it's Monday and they've got work to do and he's standing in the way of the backhoe which they're trying to load up on the truck to take to a gig up on the Main Line. Donald Trump hops in the passenger seat of the truck and says "It's fine; I can just come with you." The team lead says no thanks.

• Donald Trump is at a roost for chickens wondering aloud, "Why are all these chickens coming home to roost?" By the way, the roost in question is called Roost-a Man Chicken Emporium and their mascot is a hen made to look like Bob Marley and their motto is "Every little wing is gonna be alright." The owner is a 60-year-old white man who lives in Palm Beach and went to a Sandals in Jamaica once but did not enjoy it very much.

• Donald Trump is wandering the White House in a tattered wedding dress.

• Donald Trump is offering a discount on his Cameo channel.

• Donald Trump is putting on a disguise like Gene Hackman at the end of The Birdcage and sneaking into a "You're Fired" street celebration in an attempt to feel something. Someone in a Gritty mask offers him a drink. "Is it liberal tears?" Trump asks. The person in the Gritty mask laughs, thinking the disguised Trump is being sarcastic. It is the first genuine human experience Trump has ever had.

• Donald Trump is trying to get to inbox zero.

• Donald Trump is singing "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha over and over again, each time louder and more desperate. Big Jessie Spano energy. Unfortunately, he is sharp and a little under the big note at the end. None of the judges turn their chairs around and he is, once again, sent home.
  

• Donald Trump is logging onto Reddit to start a rumor that Donald Trump was just a hologram.

• Donald Trump is falling asleep, now he's calling a cab, now he's having a smoke, now he's going to bed and his stomach is sick. "Destiny is calling me," he mutters as he puts on his new supervillain costume. "Open up your eager eyes. I'm Mr. Landslide." From the next room, Melania calls "What?" "Nothing," Trump says, as he closes the door.

• Donald Trump is golfing the pain away.

• Donald Trump is tweeting through it.

• Donald Trump is doing NaNoWriMo.

• Donald Trump is making banana bread.

• Donald Trump is walking in the woods in Chappaqua.