Trump Fights the Tyranny of Reality, Loses Again

Sad! Trump Fights the Tyranny of Reality, Loses Again
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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.
In a surprising development, Donald Trump is being super not-chill about losing the election to Joe Biden, losing the popular vote as well, watching every major news channel call the election for Joe Biden including Fox News, and witnessing hundreds of thousands take to the streets around the world to celebrate his eventual exit from the White House. Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!
Trump and the craven Republican establishment that props him up spent the weekend trying to convince diehard Trump supporters that the election was somehow rigged but only in swing states that didn't go to Trump (but not in the Republican-swinging Senate or House races, funnily enough). They really pulled out all the stops, and by that I mean they held an under-attended press conference at a landscaping company that is located beyond all of the farthest stops on the Market-Frankford El line. (This is a very Philadelphia-centric reference but all Philly news is national news now. That's the law.) Trump has largely stayed out of public view, letting people who somehow have even worse reputations than him carry the flickering torch of evidence-less election fraud while he golfed on Saturday and Sunday.
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Me time!
Now that President-elect Joe Biden has begun his transition, announcing a COVID-19 task force and unveiling a transition website, among other initiatives, many are asking what will happen if Trump continues to refuse to concede. Still others are asking what is perhaps a more important question: Whoooooo cares?
Now, I know there are a lot of ways Trump can and probably will make it more difficult for the Biden administration to transition and successfully govern because nothing says "true patriot" like hobbling a nation's leadership out of spite. But what I'm absolutely not going to do is spend one minute thinking about how Donald Trump feels about all of this. I speak from the experience of someone who has been let go of a job I was not good at in the past: You can sign the separation agreement or you can refuse and leave it on the table, but come January 21, the key card is not going to work anymore, babe. So, go ahead and feel however you want. As a private citizen.
Look, I sympathize with Trump being in a sort-of-glum place. I'm the events manager at Three Seasons Partial Landscaping and got a real earful from my boss this morning about why we didn't get the big gig. So, we're all having a rough week. But Trump has got to learn to accept the things he cannot change, like "the will of the people" and "math." There will be a lot of articles and tweets coming out about how Trump is coping and which members of the administration are trying to reboot their brands by leaking stories about trying to coax him into concession. Fortunately, you can skip all of those because I have gotten the scoop on all the ways Donald Trump is coping with "feeling weirdsies" about losing the election to President-elect Joe Biden:
Donald Trump has called for a team of Las Vegas magicians to help him disappear Biden's votes. He is specifically asking for "the guy who disappeared the Statue of Liberty," unaware of how on the nose that is.
Donald Trump is in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping trying to host another press conference but it's Monday and they've got work to do and he's standing in the way of the backhoe which they're trying to load up on the truck to take to a gig up on the Main Line. Donald Trump hops in the passenger seat of the truck and says "It's fine; I can just come with you." The team lead says no thanks.
Donald Trump is at a roost for chickens wondering aloud, "Why are all these chickens coming home to roost?" By the way, the roost in question is called Roost-a Man Chicken Emporium and their mascot is a hen made to look like Bob Marley and their motto is "Every little wing is gonna be alright." The owner is a 60-year-old white man who lives in Palm Beach and went to a Sandals in Jamaica once but did not enjoy it very much.
Donald Trump is wandering the White House in a tattered wedding dress.
Donald Trump is offering a discount on his Cameo channel.
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Donald Trump is putting on a disguise like Gene Hackman at the end of The Birdcage and sneaking into a "You're Fired" street celebration in an attempt to feel something. Someone in a Gritty mask offers him a drink. "Is it liberal tears?" Trump asks. The person in the Gritty mask laughs, thinking the disguised Trump is being sarcastic. It is the first genuine human experience Trump has ever had.
Donald Trump is trying to get to inbox zero.
Donald Trump is singing "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha over and over again, each time louder and more desperate. Big Jessie Spano energy. Unfortunately, he is sharp and a little under the big note at the end. None of the judges turn their chairs around and he is, once again, sent home.
Donald Trump is logging onto Reddit to start a rumor that Donald Trump was just a hologram.
Donald Trump is falling asleep, now he's calling a cab, now he's having a smoke, now he's going to bed and his stomach is sick. "Destiny is calling me," he mutters as he puts on his new supervillain costume. "Open up your eager eyes. I'm Mr. Landslide." From the next room, Melania calls "What?" "Nothing," Trump says, as he closes the door.
Donald Trump is golfing the pain away.
Donald Trump is tweeting through it.
Donald Trump is doing NaNoWriMo.
Donald Trump is making banana bread.
Donald Trump is walking in the woods in Chappaqua.
My Daughter-in-Law Gave Her Mother the Keys to My Late Wife’s Cabin Without My Permission. She Thought I Was Too Old to Fight Back—Until a County Officer Saw Her ID and Everything Changed. But the Real Shock Came When I Found the Files They Left Behind… 💔

“You’ll have to give up this property eventually, whether you like it or not,” my daughter-in-law’s mother declared as movers hauled her furniture into the cabin my late wife had built with her own hands. She had obtained a key, learned the gate code, and secured my daughter-in-law’s approval. The one person she hadn’t asked was me. I didn’t raise my voice or start an argument. Instead, I called for assistance and settled into my wife’s old rocking chair. Twenty-four minutes later, a county officer pulled up, glanced at the woman standing near my porch, and requested her identification. The moment he examined it, his entire demeanor changed.
That Saturday morning, I headed to the cabin intending to replace a single porch board that had begun to rot.
I certainly didn’t expect to find a rental truck parked against my front gate.
Two movers were carrying a mattress wrapped in protective plastic through the entrance of my home.
Near the walkway stood Phyllis, my daughter-in-law Lindsey’s mother, holding a clipboard and directing their every move.
I stopped at the foot of the porch.
“Would someone care to explain what’s happening here?”
Phyllis barely reacted to my arrival.
“Lindsey gave us the gate code and handed over a key,” she replied. “She said we could come in and settle ourselves.”
Without waiting for me to respond, she turned back to the workers.
“Please take that upstairs, into the bedroom on the left.”
Her complete disregard for my presence was almost more astonishing than the scene itself.
This wasn’t some abandoned cabin I had forgotten about or a property sitting unused for years.
My late wife, Layla, had planned every inch of that house.
For three years, she had worked over architectural sketches at our kitchen table, debated the smallest design choices, and personally stained the timber until it achieved the rich honey shade she had envisioned.
She had been gone for two years.
Even now, I made the drive from Asheville every few weeks because nowhere else brought me as close to her memory as that cabin.
Yet here I was, watching strangers move another family’s bedroom furniture into the home she had created.
Phyllis finally turned her attention back to me.
“Burton and I need somewhere to stay while we work through our problems in Asheville. Eventually, you’ll have to move on from this place anyway, Elton. We’re simply trying to make the best of the situation.”
I reached into my pocket, took out my phone, and contacted the appropriate local authorities.
For the first time, a hint of unease crossed Phyllis’s face.
“You really don’t have to involve anyone else,” she said. “This is a private family issue.”
“I own this property.”
I provided my name and the address, then explained exactly what I had discovered. I kept my voice steady and stuck to the facts.
When I finished, I ended the call.
I had no intention of wasting the morning arguing in my own driveway about whether I had the right to decide who could enter my house.
Instead, I walked along the porch and lowered myself into Layla’s old rocking chair.
Roughly ten minutes later, Lindsey emerged from the cabin holding a small decorative mirror I had never seen before.
She stopped short when she noticed me sitting there.
“Dad, I should’ve spoken to you first. I know that.”
“You gave your mother access to my property without even asking me.”
“Mom and Dad are going through a difficult time. I was only trying to help them. I honestly thought you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
My eyes moved to the unfamiliar mirror resting against the porch railing.
“Well, you thought wrong.”
Twenty-four minutes after I had placed the call, a county vehicle appeared between the hemlock trees and pulled up beside the moving truck.
The officer climbed out.
Then his eyes landed on Phyllis.
He stopped walking.
It lasted only a moment, but the sudden pause was enough to draw everyone’s attention.
He took off his sunglasses.
“Ma’am.”
Phyllis stepped away from the porch, keeping her chin raised.
The officer requested her identification.
She handed him her card without hesitation.
He studied it, lifted his eyes toward her face, and examined the card once more.
His expression had grown noticeably more serious.
“Could you tell me exactly why you’re at this property today?”
Phyllis answered before anyone else could speak.
“We’re relatives. Elton hasn’t been himself since losing his wife, and we came here to help him.”
I rose from the rocking chair and faced the officer.
“This land belongs to me. I never authorized anyone to enter the cabin, move their belongings inside, or distribute my gate code.”
The officer shifted his attention to Lindsey.
“Did you give these individuals access to the property without the owner’s permission?”
Lindsey lowered her voice.
“I just assumed that because we’re family—”
The officer interrupted her explanation and instructed everyone to stop moving furniture until he could confirm the relevant details.
He returned to his vehicle and began making phone calls.
Twelve minutes went by.
The atmosphere on the porch grew increasingly uncomfortable, yet nobody seemed willing to break the silence.
Phyllis continued to hold herself with an air of confidence.
But she had stopped telling the movers what to do.
When the officer finally came back, the authority in his voice was unmistakable.
He directed Phyllis, her husband, and Lindsey to remove every item they had brought inside and leave the property.
Phyllis demanded an opportunity to speak with his superior.
“You can request that once you’ve left the premises,” he replied.
Within twenty-two minutes, they were gone.
Just before climbing into the truck, Phyllis turned around to look at me.
She offered a small, courteous smile.
It was almost friendly.
Somehow, that expression unsettled me far more than an angry outburst would have.
After the rental truck vanished down the gravel road, I stepped back inside the cabin.
Something about the place felt unfamiliar.
The comforting scent of Layla’s cedar oil had been replaced by an overpowering fragrance of artificial lavender.
Her clay pot was no longer sitting on the entry table where she had always kept it.
The four family photographs above the fireplace had disappeared.
In their place hung framed pictures of Lindsey and her relatives.
I climbed the stairs and entered our bedroom.
Layla’s blue-and-cream quilt had been taken off our bed and shoved into the closet.
Her reading room had suffered a similar intrusion.
The wooden box where she stored handwritten letters and birthday cards had been opened and emptied across the desk.
The contents hadn’t been carelessly scattered.
They had been arranged across the surface, as though someone had examined them one by one.
Someone had been searching through my wife’s private belongings.
I carefully returned each item to its proper place before carrying the box downstairs.
That was when I spotted three black contractor bags arranged in a straight line beside the gate.
I opened the first bag.
Inside lay Layla’s worn canvas jacket, her gardening shoes, and several of her favorite paperback books.
The second contained her clay pot and our wedding photograph.
The third held our wedding album.
I lowered myself onto the gravel, resting the album across my knees.
For several minutes, I couldn't bring myself to move.
Then my phone began ringing.
Ethan was calling.
“Dad, Lindsey’s really upset, and so is her mother. You had a county officer show up and treat them like they were complete strangers who had no business being there.”
I glanced at the three bags beside me.
“They packed your mother’s quilt into a garbage bag, Ethan. They did the same thing to our wedding album.”
Silence followed.
He had no immediate response.
“Come up here tomorrow,” I told him. “There are some things you need to see with your own eyes.”
That evening, I began putting Layla’s possessions back where they belonged.
While checking the guest room, I discovered four boxes the movers had apparently overlooked.
The first three contained ordinary household belongings.
The fourth was noticeably heavier than the others.
I opened it and found a collection of hanging file folders, each labeled in Phyllis’s unmistakably precise handwriting.
I removed the top folder and examined its tab.
The word written there made me pause.
ACCOUNT—
Whatever Phyllis had intended to accomplish at my cabin, she had left something behind that suggested her plans extended well beyond finding a temporary place to stay.
And my name was already part of a scheme I had never consented to.